Tag Archives: Humor

Why Men Are So Shocked to Learn that Women Can Be Funny!!

22 Jun

Yep. Newsflash. Women are hilarious!

     …they just aren’t allowed to be if they ever want to bag a guy. Men pride themselves in their physical/athletic ability, problem solving capacity, and sense of humor over most all else when it comes to how they impress the fairer sex. So despite being equally comedically talented, women have learned not to outshine the boys in the humor department.

     This practice is reinforced every time a woman makes an awesome joke in mixed company, and is met wtih confused expressions as the men deliberate:

Surely she didn’t mean to be funny… so maybe she just doesn’t get it.  Ok, we’ll just pretend like she didn’t say anything so she doesn’t feel bad for being dumb.  Plus she’s cute, so we’ll let it slide.  

…Now, one of the dudes making that same joke, of course, would be deemed life of the party~

Advertisements

“Appearance is Everything” –  Truth in Cliches

10 Jun

Unfortunately, this is true. You have made up your mind about somebody within the first 5-10 seconds of seeing and or talking to them. Of course eventually one is going to require more depth then looks alone and a good first impression, but you don’t GET the chance to show off your amazing personality and well-roundedness if you don’t make a good enough impression to begin with. Continue reading

Why You All Up in My Business, Vons??

19 Mar

     LOOK, I get what they are trying to do at Vons with the: “Hello, can I help you find anything” business. Theoretically a great idea. But when you’re bombarded by every single employee within shouting distance asking if you are finding everything ok it becomes a most onerous shopping experience.

   Continue reading

Great Latin Quotes & Sayings Everyone Should Know.

19 Mar

In vino veritas: (in WEE-no WEH-ree-tuhs).  “In wine there is truth.”  By anonymous.

Sic semper tyrannis!: (sik SEM-per tee-RUN-nees).  “Thus always to tyrants!”  Exclaimed by John Wilkes Booth right before assassinating President Lincoln.

Cogito ergo sum: (KO-ghee-to ER-go soom).  “I think therefore I am.”  Rene Descartes, philosopher. Continue reading

Less is More: Market Theory  Applied to Affection.

19 Mar

Disclaimer: I am certainly not advocating being an asshole-recluse; but explaining a basic human behavior, its general effects and the motives behind it. There is a time and place for everything, and always in moderation.

     The basic principle is that the less you give, affection, praise, material gifts, time etc.- the more weight it has when you do.  Think about it. Continue reading

“Frenemies w/Benefits.”

19 Mar

Definition: A friend of the opposite sex that you generally despise and can’t stand to be around but somehow end up hooking up with from time to time.  (Usually after a long day/night of drinking).

“Step Off Crazy Old Lady.”

19 Mar

“Step Off Crazy Old Lady.”  A poetic tribute to my neighbor. A true story.

There lives an old lady across from my place. She seems kinda crazy, pretty sure that’s the case.  She stopped me one time to show me her door, complaining of invisible dust particles, as if someone placed them there- don’t worry, there’s more. 

Took her a good ten minutes to explain the dust thing to me before not so subtly implying that I was a part of this grand conspiracy.  I smiled and nodded just trying to get the hell outta there, which was about the time she warned me that Satan was bad…with a most meaningful stare. Continue reading

My Favorite JDSM Quotes

18 Mar

Admittedly narcissistic, here is a collection of some of my most favorite lines that I’ve come up with over the years.  Yes, these are 100% original statements coined by me, J.D. St. Michaels.  Some are just well-worded observations, some thought-provoking positions, and others just plain silly.  Hope you enjoy them as much as my friends and I have–

Droppin’ Knowledge

  • How to fix the U.S. Economy.  Three-words: De-criminalize, regulate & tax.

  • If you have to explain, your joke wasn’t funny.

  • Never lie to protect yourself from a truth that wasn’t hurting you.

  • All’s fair in love, war, and poker.

  • A well-provided for people never harbor inclinations to declare war.

  • When you’re given the out, show a little respect and take it. Continue reading

Some Babies Are Pricks.

17 Mar

    Ok, look- I know you’re supposed to think that all babies are cute, but really, they aren’t.  Hey, I’m sorry, I guess I have discerning taste when it comes to babies. If you want me to think you’re cute, you’ve gotta bring something to the table here.  

      The worst though is ugly babies.  And you know what I’m talkin about. Ugly babies.  Because let me tell you, some of these babies are straight jacked.  That’s not me, thats just a fact.

   But what kills me is that it’s always the parents of ugly children who are the first to pull out their wallet-pictures and shove them in your face.  How awkward is that moment??  Here you’ve got this 1×2 photo of this cross-eyed, snaggle-toothed, Jabba the Hut lookin’ creature and then the proud wide-eyed mother standing there on the edge of her seat waiting for the obligatory “Awww, how cute!!”

I can’t do it lady.  I just can’t.  I don’t know what other people have told you, but this is real bad.  Take it back.  Here, seriously.  Yuck!

Continue reading

What’s NOT OK:

13 Feb

What’s NOT OK:   <–Click here for a list of  What’s NOT OK.

“Funiani.”

12 Feb

FUNIANI (fun-ee-AN-ee) pl. noun:  Joe Pescie ala Good Fellas inspired collective noun for the kind of people who crack jokes. Usually used disparagingly.  Those who constantly attempt humor, often to the point of annoyance.

USAGE:

(From Good Fellas) “I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to f*ckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny?? Funny how? How am I funny??”

………………………..

Correspondingly, one might say: “Hey this f*ckin guy. What are you? You think you’re funny??  What are you, part of the funiani?? You think you got jokes? Who the f*ck is this guy?!??”

PUBLIC SPEAKING

7 Feb

   It is the No. 1 fear of Americans. Death is second. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, “…that means, if you are at a funeral, you’d rather be the person in the box than giving the speech.”

   Lord knows it can certainly feel that way. And I’m not talking to the people who “sometimes get butterflies.” I’m talking to the people who dread giving a speech months in advance, who will do anything to get out of speaking or reading in class or who forget to breathe and have to catch their breath mid-speech. Continue reading

Random Thoughts & Observations

4 Oct

Alcohol consumption, the #1 cause of not knowing the name of the person you wake up next to.

Why is Samuel L. Jackson in EVERY movie EVER made??

Riddle Me This: Why does almost every super hero or his girlfriend work for a newspaper??
 
Aww, isn’t it nice that “Dog” the Bounty Hunter and his wife clearly go to the same hairdresser?? (Aka, Clorox Bleach and Aqua Net).

 
Mtv’s Teen Cribs aka, “My parents house.”

Reading Body Language: By Nick Morgan

20 Sep

The Truth Behind the Smile and Other Myths – When Body Language Lies

9/30/2002
Being able to read “nonverbal communication”—body language—is essential in business dealings. Problem is, we usually interpret a smile or lack of eye contact through an emotional screen, not a scientific one. Sometimes a smile is a sign of happiness—and sometimes it’s a flash of contempt. Here is what modern communications science has to say about the myths of body language.

by Nick Morgan Continue reading

White Fish, Black Fish, Who the F Cares Fish When We all Share the  Same Shrinking  & Polluted Ocean???

8 Sep

   Ok, I’m sorry. I was watching Bill Maher last night and I simply can’t take it anymore.  It’s not just a Bill Maher thing, everyone does it, but the repeat episode I watched last night with guests Philippe Cousteau Jr. (hence my oceanic/ B.P. reference in the title), and Prof. Cornel West, was simply the last straw.  Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, perhaps it was the wine, but I found myself yelling at the panel like, “Wtf does it matter that whatever percent of white v. black families net income has been doing in response to changes in the U.S. economy??”  To me, race is just as significant in a discussion about our failing economy as is some one’s sex, religion, eye color or blood type.

FOIF Comedy

28 Aug

Definition: The type of comedy that is “funny on its face.”  That is, requiring no additional knowledge on part of the audience. The humor can be appreciated without knowledge of past events, character relationships, or any other supplemental information.  FOIF comedy is one dimentional and thus more readily understood by the general public, however for that same reason, significantly less funny.  Continue reading

Ideas for How To Get Off an Impanelled Jury… Or at Least Make Things More Interesting.

26 Aug

  1. Start scratching yourself all over as if you had fleas or some (possibly contagious) skin disease.
  2. During deliberations, take out a tube of bright red lipstick and start putting it all over your face as you stare blankly into space. Continue reading

Pick Your Poison- Looks AREN’T Everything

25 Aug

Here is why dating in Los Angeles is so challenging. It is because good-looking people (Gap commercial quality and above) generally fall into one of these categories: Continue reading

Articles You Wanna Read:

8 Jul

What topics would you, the reader, like to see me address?? Try to be as specific as possible, but feel free to hit me with anything. I am always up for a challenge-

Rites of Passage

11 May

   Here are some things you should do at some point in your youth to make you a better, more well rounded person.  Some of these are pretty general, and some, obviously are quite subjective- but if you take care of most or all of this checklist you should at minimum be a fairly interesting person, somewhat cultured, and definitely well rounded.  And being well rounded is something that I don’t think enough people are these days. But those who are make for more interesting friends, lovers- as well as people who are survivors and can adapt and overcome most any obstacles thrown their way.  These are good people to be, and good people to be around. Continue reading

DISCIPLINE: We aren’t 5-year-olds anymore, so get a grip!

14 Feb

   It’s amazing what a little self-restraint will get you. Really. And if you know this, you have an advantage over everyone else because (a) Most people DON’T have self-restraint, and (b) Most people don’t know the value of it. Continue reading
%d bloggers like this: