As most of my posts and articles are inspired by specific events or inquiries, I welcome you to ask away. Obviously I would prefer you limit your questions to the subject matter I cover in my blog, but will do my best to give a thoughtful and researched response to any topic. If I have no clue I won’t B.S. you, but hopefully at least point you in the right direction.
Until I figure out a better method, just post your question as a comment. Like anyone, I have other matters to attend to outside this blog, but promise to respond in the most timely fashion circumstances allow.
Dating, Debating & Recreating: Los Angeles 
Sorry for the hiatus while I battled the economy, became an editor-in-chief/ COO of a men’s magazine for a while, and gathered a couple Bar licenses. Yet, still fighting to find my place. Hmmm. However, back online to help with a whole new panoply of issues that you could throw at me. Trust me, I’ve been there- all welcome. As the oldest of four, it’s in my nature. Godspeed-
really sound advice you’re giving. i’ll pass on your site to my friends :))
Thank you, Kendra. Please do!
I appreciate that. Anytime you or friends need an objective and informed perspective, I’m happy to oblige.
Thanks J.D., your advice definitely helped me clarify certain things about the situation. I think you’re absolutely right about not seeing or talking to him for a while after expressing my concern. It’s become obvious that it isn’t healthy for us to be around each other right now. I only hope I can broach the subject delicately enough that he’ll actually consider seeing someone.
I really like your advice and opinions! Thanks for putting this stuff out there.
My pleasure. I enjoy helping others where I can. Spread the word!
And don’t worry about trying to use the “right words.” You sound very caring and thoughtful, simply be sincere with him about your feelings, and it will come out naturally.
Very glad to help. As the oldest of four and a student of human behavior, among others, I am we-versed in advice giving and more than happy to do it.
All the best,
~ JD
Okay, J.D.,
How do I know when there have been enough red flags to make it a deal breaker?? I mean, where’s the line between being understanding that not everyone’s perfect versus dealing with way too much bullshit?
Ok. This one is actually ridiculously easy. Where the bad outweighs or is equal to the good- Let this person go. That’s clear.
What you’re looking for is someone who makes your life better;someone that improves, not complicates your life.
So if you’re in a situation where there is more drama, anxiety, frustration, and hurt feelings than the positive things this person brings to the table, there’s your answer. This is not the right person for you.
Hi JD,
I’m 25, female, and I’m a virgin. I don’t feel like I’m socially awkward – I have a great group of friends, but they’re all exactly that – just friends. I don’t really know where to start when it comes to dating. I’ve been on exactly one date in my entire life, and that was terrifying. I liked the guy, but I was scared the whole time. The idea of kissing anybody is really scary to me. So I spend my time hanging out with my friends, because I have no idea where to even begin when it comes to trying to date.
Virgin25,
First let me start by saying that I have personally known several fun, outgoing and highly attractive people who were virgins well into their 20s. Male and female. So there’s nothing wrong with being picky.
However, to fully answer and analyze the situation here, I guess I’d like to know what you mean when you say the date was “terrifying” and how the idea of kissing someone is scary to you. Is it like a nervous scary? (Something everyone gets when delving into uncharted territory- much like fear of public speaking) or is it something else?
Generally everyone gets “butterflies” and anxiety over first dates and the potential awkwardness of the first kiss and so on. If that’s really your issue, and you just need to break the ice into the realm of physical contact (which may seem an even bigger deal having waited a bit), honestly, alcohol. Haha. I know that sounds awful, don’t go out on a bender, but there’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner.
In fact most first and second dates involve drinking to some degree for that exact reason. Everyone’s a little nervous and awkward!
However if you think that your fear is verging more on a phobia- that is, an irrational fear of intimacy, you may want to consider therapy to deal with the underlying issue. BTW there is nothing wrong or stigmatic about therapy. Everyone should do it because everyone has baggage. It is only when we can get to the root of the problem that we can proceed to overcome it. And often it takes an outside perspective as we ourselves become lost in the trees.
Anyway, long-winded reply I apologize. But to concisely wrap up:
1. Don’t put pressure on yourself. When you find the right person, trust me, you’ll want to explore intimacy.
2. If you are just experiencing the totally normal butterflies that we all get on a first date/first kiss/and so on, realize that the other person is too, and a glass of wine never hurt anyone. (Nor did a shot of Jack Daniels if that’s your thing).
3. If you are concerned that there is something deeper to your discomfort and fear in this area, talk to someone about it. Figure it out, fix it, and move past it. Very doable.
I hope you found this helpful. You are always welcome to follow up if need be. Also kissing, sex etc., is a ton of fun. Trust me, you’re going to want to overcome this. And you will be most glad when you do.
Go get em Tiger!
~ JD
JD,
Im a 17 year old male and i guess a bit confused. how does one know if they’re gay? Ive had a lot of girlfriends, but something’s missing. ive always gotten along with guys much more and have been wondering what it would be like to kiss this one guy in particular. Thoughts?
Gregg-
Tackling yours first since it’s the easiest. If you have to ask, you’re gay. Society has really been changing a lot, especially in Los Angeles and is much more accepting of homosexuality. You are who you are so all you can do is go with it and be the best person you can be. Follow your heart. You’ll do just fine.
~ JD
How do I nicely tell my mom that she doesn’t need to call and check up on me everyday??? I’m in college and totally stable and self-reliant. It’s not like im a druggie or have problems or anything. So the calls everyday become annoying. especially when she freaks out if I dont answer or call her back right away.
Gretchen,
I think the way you approach this one is to tell mom that clearly you know how much she loves and thinks about you, which means a lot. (Some aren’t so fortunate btw). BUT that her constant calling and checking in makes you feel like she lacks faith in you, or that she doubts your ability to take care of yourself. Which, in turn, (if you want to lay it on thick) actually ends up making you doubt yourself. I think you see where I’m going.
You always want to “appreciate” and understand the behavior first. “I know how much you love me,” “I realize you’re trying to help…” but then explain in a non-offensive way why it is counterproductive. Best way to do so is by putting it on yourself. Don’t say, “you are annoying”, instead, “it makes me feel insecure when you…”
Best,
JD
Ok, so I’ve been talking to this girl for a while, we went out on a couple dates. I think we really hit it off but now she’s just kind of busy all the time and rarely returns phone calls. Rarely answers them actually, I’m always leaving messages. Everytime we talk and hang out though its great and we really get a along. Do I just keep trying?
BrainStew-
First, love that album. Anyway, sounds like she’s on the fence about things, or maybe she really just is super busy. Best advice is to let her come to you.
Jd- I’m 26 and broke up with my bf of five years about a year ago. I still think about him from time to time or just when I think I’m over it he’ll appear in my dreams. I know he wasnt perfect, and neither was the last two years of our relationship, but I guess as much as he made me miserable from time to time, I just feel like I’ll never love anyone that much again. Plus, when I really think about it, I’m not quite over him either. Will I ever be over him? Did I blow it?? I really dont see how I am going to find someone to love as much as I loved him. I’m just getting pretty damn bummed at this point. I mean it’s been a year. Any words of wisdom?? Because this SUCKS!!!
Kelly-
First big loves, “true” loves, whatever you want to call it are always hard to get over. During your time apart you tend to idealize them and make them better than what they were. (Btw, note where you said you were miserable part of the time…that shouldnt be if he were “the one.”)
Good news is, everyone goes through this. I know right now it may seem that you’ll never love again, or not to that extent, but life experience will prove to you otherwise. Bad news is, it takes time. There is really not much you can do to speed up the healing process, but I DO promise it WILL happen, you WILL be over him one day, and you WILL fall madly in love with someone new (and likely much, much better).
I wish I could offer an easy fix, distractions and dating other people does help, but time is the ultimate source of your heart’s freedom. You will be just fine though Kelly, and you may even go through several more breakups before you find your true love. But know that it gets easier every time, and you will be a better, wiser and more discerning person for it.
Hang in there,
JD
Dear J.D.,
So I have been seeing this guy off and on for the last few months. We spent like the entire last weekend together and pretty much talk every day. All of a sudden he’s just totally disappeared this week. No calls or texts, just fell right off the face. I know he’s kind of going through a rough time because he just got laid off and doing the whole job hunt thing, but wtf. Is this his way of telling me we’re over??
Ok. This I would not worry about too much. The first thing you need to understand is that a man’s job is very important to him. It’s his purpose for being really. If you say that things were great before he “disappeared”, you can be pretty sure that his going AWOL has nothing to do with you. So just give him the space he needs, be there for support. Also realize that until he finds gainful employment, he may be a little more sensitive all around.
Men and women think differently about communication. For men, it’s more about getting from A to B. For women it’s a display of affection. So don’t read too much into his lack of communication right now. I don’t think his recent aloofness is a reflection on you. Give him space and he’ll come back when he’s ready. You’ll be just fine.
I have an insane co-worker who thinks I’m out to get her. How do I tactfully go about expressing my distress to management?
Without actually calling her insane or any other names she likely deserves, you should simply approach your supervisor, or HR representative and state that your co-worker’s antagonistic behavior makes you uncomfortable and creates a “hostile work environment.” (Great buzz-phrase btw).
Just describe her behavior, the facts will speak for themselves. And that way you have any name-calling in the record which may seem antagonistic or otherwise reflect poorly on you. Keep it emotion free and stick to the facts.
If need be, you can talk about how trust and mutual respect between co-workers is an essential part of teamwork…how her actions have been distressing and counterproductive to efficiency…
Perhaps show that you are not just “complaining” but have some solutions to offer that would make for a mutually beneficial, respectful and more successful work environment, and so on.
Hopefully that helps!