“Step Off Crazy Old Lady.”

19 Mar

“Step Off Crazy Old Lady.”  A poetic tribute to my neighbor. A true story.

There lives an old lady across from my place. She seems kinda crazy, pretty sure that’s the case.  She stopped me one time to show me her door, complaining of invisible dust particles, as if someone placed them there- don’t worry, there’s more. 

Took her a good ten minutes to explain the dust thing to me before not so subtly implying that I was a part of this grand conspiracy.  I smiled and nodded just trying to get the hell outta there, which was about the time she warned me that Satan was bad…with a most meaningful stare.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Ok.  Well that’s cool, I gotta go.  Never considered myself one to give off the anti-Christ vibe, but, suppose you never know.

She cleans her door with rubbing alcohol each day, which mixes with the incense she burns in a super rank way.  It seriously smells so I have to hold my breath when I walk by.  Also what’s up with wrapping your doorknob in a paper bag, or do I even wanna know why?

But I do hear that she’s sick and may be dying from some weird disease.  Uh- could someone have told me this like 10 months ago, please??  She lives alone with her daughter, who may be a witch, no one can say.  And the old lady must be around 100 some odd years old if she’s a day.   

Here is yet another novel way she makes things uncomfortable: Literally every time I come or go she either cracks the door or opens the peep-hole.  Like, yes, you have a neighbor, don’t act surprised all the time.  Would be nice to come back from the store and not feel your beady eyes chill my spine.  And really, no need to stop me, we’ve discussed the dust thing before.  An no, I don’t worship the devil, I’m not going over this anymore. 

Hey seriously, that’s awesome that you’re a Jehovah’s Witness.  Check the two crosses I’m wearing.  No really, you see this??  It means I’m down with Jesus, not Satan—so get out of my business.

Things haven’t been so bad or creepy of late.  Probably because I’ve replaced smiling with staring the bitch down; advice that’s been great.  Look, if you can’t win by being compassionate and kind, then you let homey know what time it is—and they’ll fall in line.

One Response to ““Step Off Crazy Old Lady.””


  1. Tweets that mention “Step Off Crazy Old Lady.” « Dating, Debating & Recreating: Los Angeles -- Topsy.com -

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by J.D. St. Michaels, J.D. St. Michaels. J.D. St. Michaels said: "Step Off Crazy Old Lady.": http://t.co/TMyIuE8 […]

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