Some Babies Are Pricks.

17 Mar

    Ok, look- I know you’re supposed to think that all babies are cute, but really, they aren’t.  Hey, I’m sorry, I guess I have discerning taste when it comes to babies. If you want me to think you’re cute, you’ve gotta bring something to the table here.  

      The worst though is ugly babies.  And you know what I’m talkin about. Ugly babies.  Because let me tell you, some of these babies are straight jacked.  That’s not me, thats just a fact.

   But what kills me is that it’s always the parents of ugly children who are the first to pull out their wallet-pictures and shove them in your face.  How awkward is that moment??  Here you’ve got this 1×2 photo of this cross-eyed, snaggle-toothed, Jabba the Hut lookin’ creature and then the proud wide-eyed mother standing there on the edge of her seat waiting for the obligatory “Awww, how cute!!”

I can’t do it lady.  I just can’t.  I don’t know what other people have told you, but this is real bad.  Take it back.  Here, seriously.  Yuck!

      No.  Of course you can’t do that.  You want to– but you can’t do that.  And let me tell you something else, she will be watching your reaction like a hawk.  There is absolutely ZERO room for error or even the slightest hesitation.  You need to come out with that complimentary line as soon as the picture enters your field of vision, and you gotta sell it.  If you so much as blink before suggesting this child be the next Gerber baby, you become the biggest prick on earth.  

      You can’t stand there and  take your time assessing the aesthetic value of this kid.  It’s not like you’re a curator carefully examining a new painting to decide if its worth buying for the museum’s Impressionist collection.  Plus what kind of weirdo stands there eyeing a baby up and down anyway??   What’s wrong with you?? No.  Soon as that picture is out of her purse the words “Oh my, what an adorable little ____” better already be in transit from your mouth to the public domain.

    You’ve gotta sell it though. You HAVE to sell it.  There are only a few situations in life where you absolutely must lie and do so with Oscar-winning skill.   But it’s like hey, cut me some slack.  I’m an accountant.  I can’t stand here and convincingly act like this kid isn’t offensive.  If I had those kind of acting skills you think this is what I’d be doing with my life??  Counting shit?? So now why am I the asshole just because I can’t deliver a performance worthy of a 40 million dollar paycheck??  Huh??

   Guess what lady- you’re the asshole.  You know your kid is jacked.  You aren’t blind.  This is a total set up and you know it!  Why are you trying to do this to me??  Are you just fucking with me? Is this some sick game to you??  Make me feel like a terrible human being because you make ugly babies??  Shame on you!  Keep that shit to yourself.

     And what is that anyway??  You know?   This whole showing off pictures of your kids thing is really kinda twisted when you think about it.  Because they aren’t showing you just for a factual reference or something.  Baby pictures are never somehow relevant to the conversation. “Ooooh, she’s wearing a diaper.  Ok, now I get it!  Thanks.” 

    No.  We know what this is all about.  It’s about showin off and approval.  Here, let me present you with a photograph of my issue…good right?  Don’t you think??? Here, take a closer look and you give me the thumbs up/thumbs down. 

   What’s that about??  You want me to look at this picture and judge the physical attractiveness of your offspring? That seems kinda wrong doesn’t it? 

   And what do you need my approval for anyway??  Were you thinking of sending it back?  “Hey, can you look at this? I really need a second opinion here.  Steve and Jessie liked it, but IIII’m still kinda on the fence.  What do you think?”

   “Here, lemme see that. Yeah… I know what you mean. Hmm. You know what? No. I don’t like it. The cross-eyes, the snaggle-tooth thing… And I don’t wanna sound cliche but she could lose about 10 pounds too.  I mean, it’s a pretty big investment. I say, if you’re not totally happy with it, you should really take it back.” 

…Come on.


      Here’s the other problem I have with babies.  Some are just pricks.  Yeah, I said it.  It had to be said.  Some babies are just real d-bags, and I know each and every one of you have run into one of these but were just too afraid to say it.  “Wow, this baby is a real prick!”

   You ever have someone introduce their kid to you, and the kid doesn’t smile or do anything.  He just blankly stares at you??  I mean you’re smiling, trying to be nice, trying to make a connection and he’s givin’ you nothin’. Just starin’ at you like you’re some kind of joke.  Hey–I’m not too impressed with you either pal, but at least I faked it just to be nice. 

   Don’t sit there and just stare like you’re so much better than me.  Don’t you judge me.  You don’t even know me!  Hey, guess what?  I washed and dressed myself today.  What the hell did you do that was so special?  Huh??? Screw you man.  I’m grown-up.  I contribute to society, ok??  I don’t need this.

   What?  You can smile and make baby sounds to everyone else but I’m  some big disappointment to you, huh?  Well look, I’ve had a long day, I tried to make some funny faces for you but that’s all I’ve got to give right now.  Real sorry I didn’t bring my bag of tricks to Thanksgiving this year.  I didn’t know you were going to be here and that I’d have to put on a goddamn dog and pony show just to have you show a little respect.

   Real nice, baby. Real nice. You know what, that’s it. You and me are over.  I can’t keep putting myself out there for you like this.  If I’m not enough for you as-is, well then fine.  You go find yourself someone that can make you happy.  I need a scotch.


      The worst though, is when you say hello, or are given the baby to hold and it immediately starts crying.  How bad do you feel right then??  You start askin yourself: Am I that offensive?? (Quick sniff check).

    Once you realize it wasn’t you you’re thinkin, hey thanks for that one, kid.  Because now everyone’s lookin’ over to see what happened to the baby, and suddenly you’re feeling super creepy.  That’s about when you make that universal gesture of  throwing up your hands and backing away to communicate to everyone: “Hey, this wasn’t my fault.  I don’t know what happened, I’m just as clueless as you are.” 

   And even though mom there tells you, “It’s ok” and H”e’s just hungry,” you still feel like a piece of shit.  Plus you know at least half of the people at the party are now lookin at you wondering if you just did something weird to this kid. 

    And that’s the biggest prick move these babies do.  Yeah, I’m sure you’re just tired or hungry or whatever.  But do that crying routine on your own time buddy.  Don’t do that shit as soon as I learn over and  give a friendly, “Hi there” in my little baby voice. 

     You see what you’ve done now?? You see this??? I hope you’re happy.  Now I have to make my way around this house to all of the little broken off groups and find a way to casually defend myself by telling them, “Yeah… You know, she said he was just hungry.”

   Oh, I guess you didn’t think about that, did you?? Yeah.  That’s right.  I guess you just kinda do whatever the hell you want and don’t consider anyone but yourself.  Hey, don’t worry about me, now aka “The Creepy Guy.”  No, no.   You just sip back on your bottle and wait to see who else’s night you can ruin.

   Oh, and by the way… You’re ugly and your ass looks fat in those pants.  Bi-YATCH!!!

9 Responses to “Some Babies Are Pricks.”

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  3. Eliza March 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    OMG so true! I loooovvvee it!!

  4. Felisha March 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    This is HILARIOUS!

  5. Sam Stapf March 15, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    I agree with your thought.Thank you for your sharing.

  6. Evan March 12, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    Very funny. Good work.

  7. Jameel March 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    ok now thats some funny stuff right there. and so right on about having to always lie. some kids are really not cute.


  1. World Spinner - March 12, 2011

    Some Babies Are Pricks. « Dating, Debating & Recreating: Los Angeles…

    Here at World Spinner we are debating the same thing……

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